Weiner Fever
I'll be honest with you: This essay is half-being written because I thought the Taylor Swift essay below this was a dumpster fire. I liked the idea, thought it could be executed well... and halfway through I realized it was going to go down like months-old clam chowder. Only stubbornness allowed it to be published (and then remain on the site) at all. Happens, right? Hey, even Kate Hudson makes a bad movie every couple months.
The Tony Weiner thing (he will be referred to here as "Tony Weiner" since it's just so much funnier than "Anthony Weiner") has obviously been beaten (off) to death over the last week, and rightly so: It's always a barrel of monkeys when we have the opportunity to humiliate a noteworthy public figure, especially over a sex scandal. Baseball has nothing on that as America's national pastime, and I say that without the slightest hint of righteousness or sanctimony. It's a blast, and it's heightened to ridiculously enjoyable extremes in the Twitter era. I sat at my desk on Wednesday trying for two hours to think of a Twitter joke about it just so I could join the barrage already streaming in front of me, and I felt wholly satisfied when I could finally join the party.
Where it crosses the line is when we stop joking about it and start demanding things from Tony Weiner for sending dick pics over the internet. Today, Tony Weiner checked into a "facility" to "seek treatment" as a result of this scandal. Yes, he's a congressman with a wife, and yes, he probably shouldn't have taken pictures of his dick and sent them over the internet. But what the shit is he "seeking treatment" for? Being a horny, bored dude? What can those sessions possibly be like?
Group Therapist: Tony Weiner, if you could, please describe for us what was going through your mind when you took those pictures and sent them to strangers on the internet.
Tony Weiner: Yeah, uh, I guess I was just horny and these chicks were smoking, and obviously I'm a congressman so it was like, the fuck's gonna turn this down? Am I right? (looks at other chick) Hey, I'm Tony.
This resonating idea that Tony Weiner is some sort of diseased, freakshow clowncar of a human being that needs therapy like Khloe Kardashian needs a NordicTrack is insane, a result of a screaming fat man with a blog whose name rhymes with Schmandrew Schmreitbart making the controversy about himself for a change and demanding an apology where none was needed except to his wife, Huma. Tony Weiner says something like, "I'm sorry, honey. My behavior has been positively inhuma, especially when we're about to bring another huma being into this world. By the way, is it huma today or what? Is this extreme whether ever going to end?" and BAM, all is forgiven and the conversation's now about the humadity.
But no, we have to make him go get "treatment." I feel like all Tony Weiner has to do is call another press conference, sans any screaming fat dudes with blogs, and simply say "Yeah I mean I'll go into treatment or whatever, but we do realize that chat roulette took America by storm like, a year ago, right? You know, that site where people literally park their hogs in front of their computer cameras like RVs in trailer parks? Did those creepshows go into "treatment"? Or are we just looking to feel better about ourselves by making an elected official go and "get treatment" so he won't be so much better than us anymore? While you decide, I'm going to go send this pimp cock picture to an unassuming college student with a Twitter account. Weiner out."
Your move, Tony Weiner. Let's hope during those ten minute stretches where your blackjack dealer friends are working and your pants are on, you're reading some shatterfaced.
Comments