An Open Letter to Bobby Teenager: Why I Still Hump Everything That Moves, Even Without Balls - a Rebuttal from Gus, the Miniature Dachshund
July 1, 2009
Dear Bobby Teenager,
On January 22nd, you wrote an open letter to me in the wake of surgery to remove my testicles. It was good-willed and sincere, and it was noted and appreciated, even though, you know, it was approximately five minutes after that awful moment in time when I woke up, looked down, and didn't see either of my nuts. Your letter is just as good though, right? Wonderful consolation prize. "Hey, Gus - no manhood anymore. You're no longer a dude. But Bobby Teenager (sweet name, by the way) wrote a funny letter to you on his website." That's like handing a couple black jelly beans to Anne Frank in 1942. Mmm, these taste delicious, but I'm still being hunted by Nazis.
The funniest part of the whole thing, however, was the fact that you guys thought it was totally over after the twins were gone. I remember looking up from my bed as you petted the back of my neck with that really high, patronizing, (frankly) gay voice with the "Are you okay? Are you okay little buddy?" chants. Oh, I'm okay, Bobby. I'm better than ever.
Because you can take my nuts, but you can never take my libido.
Just when you thought it was safe to sleep. Just when you thought it was safe to watch TV in the family room. Just when you thought it was completely fine to dangle your right arm in front of me without thinking about it - here comes Gus. Because I bust up inside of bitches...and by 'bitches' I mean seat cushions. And seat cushions didn't even do it for me WITH balls - I hump them completely out of spite, now. Spite, and freedom. Any time I hump your shin when you're trying to watch baseball, I do it in the name of freedom. Some day I want other nutless dogs to remember me and say "There goes Gus...the greatest limb-humper to ever live."
I do what I want. I hump what I want. And there's nothing you can do about any of it.
Now make me some Alpo. 'Mixed Grill', not 'Original'. God help you if I eat 'Original' Alpo in ten minutes.
With love,
Gus the Miniature Dachshund
Dear Bobby Teenager,
On January 22nd, you wrote an open letter to me in the wake of surgery to remove my testicles. It was good-willed and sincere, and it was noted and appreciated, even though, you know, it was approximately five minutes after that awful moment in time when I woke up, looked down, and didn't see either of my nuts. Your letter is just as good though, right? Wonderful consolation prize. "Hey, Gus - no manhood anymore. You're no longer a dude. But Bobby Teenager (sweet name, by the way) wrote a funny letter to you on his website." That's like handing a couple black jelly beans to Anne Frank in 1942. Mmm, these taste delicious, but I'm still being hunted by Nazis.
The funniest part of the whole thing, however, was the fact that you guys thought it was totally over after the twins were gone. I remember looking up from my bed as you petted the back of my neck with that really high, patronizing, (frankly) gay voice with the "Are you okay? Are you okay little buddy?" chants. Oh, I'm okay, Bobby. I'm better than ever.
Because you can take my nuts, but you can never take my libido.
Just when you thought it was safe to sleep. Just when you thought it was safe to watch TV in the family room. Just when you thought it was completely fine to dangle your right arm in front of me without thinking about it - here comes Gus. Because I bust up inside of bitches...and by 'bitches' I mean seat cushions. And seat cushions didn't even do it for me WITH balls - I hump them completely out of spite, now. Spite, and freedom. Any time I hump your shin when you're trying to watch baseball, I do it in the name of freedom. Some day I want other nutless dogs to remember me and say "There goes Gus...the greatest limb-humper to ever live."
I do what I want. I hump what I want. And there's nothing you can do about any of it.
Now make me some Alpo. 'Mixed Grill', not 'Original'. God help you if I eat 'Original' Alpo in ten minutes.
With love,
Gus the Miniature Dachshund
Comments