The LandMan's Inaugural Shatterfaced Posting: Sickest 2009 NFL Mock Draft Ever
NOTE: Shatterfaced's 10th Author, Landon 'The Land Man' Parker III. SWEET.
What’s up faggots!? (lol jk) It’s your boy Landon coming to you live from my dorm room. So I’ve been skipping class a lot so I can get to the gym when it’s not crowded, allowing for maximum workout potential. Dude, nothing pumps me up more than a couple of hunnies getting their sweat on with the ellipticals and an empty row of benches. Gets me fucking PUMPED.
After I lift, I usually turn on ESPN and check out the most recent NFL Draft coverage. I have to say, with the draft only twelve days away, I am getting fed up with the ‘experts’ at ESPN. Hey Mel Kiper, why don’t you stick to being a chocolate cereal eating Vampire, Count Chocula? Hahahaha lol. And Todd McShay…bro, you’re my boy and all, but you hit up the tanning salon more than the chick Chrissy I banged last night - in Tiffany’s room. SWEET!!!
I figured I would give my landon’s gay haha my bad bros, that was my boy Brody. He went onto my computer when I went to grab another brewski. He’s my boy from high school, kinda gay, but totally ‘the man.’ Brody and I just blazed, so this isn’t intended to be a prediction of how the Draft is actually gonna play out, but more so how it would go if fuckin cool-ass-shit dudes like us ran the NFL. Here we go…
1. Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
Though not a sure-fire, can’t-miss, franchise QB, it seems like this is Stafford’s job to lose. He’s got a huge arm, makes throws other QB’s can’t make, and can really stretch the field vertically. Plus his arms are actually huge, like I need to see what kind of biceps/triceps regimen he is on. Decent NFL QB build (6’2”, 228 lbs.) Athletic playmaker. Cherry on top, he’s got the brotality (Bro mentality) needed from the #1 overall pick. This dude is gonna throw some bombs, slay some chicks, kick ass and take names.
2. St. Louis Rams – Aaron Curry, OLB, Wake Forest
Let’s face it, the Rams need help everywhere – so they are best off taking the most athletic, dynamic athlete available. Great combine. Solid work ethic. Versatile. Roams the field well. Dynamic tackler. Athletic playmaker. Blah blah blah.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Jason Smith, OT, Baylor
Athletic tackle who possesses excellent quickness. He has a great frame and still has room to grow physically and technically, but has the potential to be dominant. He moves well laterally and gets to the second level with ease. He’s aware of his surroundings, works well with others and is quick picking up blitzes. He plays with a high motor and a great passion for the game. Athletic playmaker.
Ok, so I kinda just copied and pasted that from some scouting site. Who gives a fuck about OT’s. All I know is this dude is FAT and FAST – and that’s fuckin sick.
4. Seattle Seahawks – Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas
Four words. “This dude is BADASS.” No for real though, Orakpo is an Athletic playmaker who can make an impact in the NFL right away. Explosive first step, Great attacking instincts. Skilled deer hunter. Hahaha just playin – but his last name does make it sound like he is an Indian Chief or something. Chief Orakpo! But instead of a traditional headdress, he wears a football helmet. And instead of deer, he hunts drunk UT chicks and slow, white quarterbacks. Athleticism off the charts.
5. Cleveland Browns – Dutch the German Shepherd, ATH, Jardo Kennels
Arguably the best athlete in the draft. Elite speed. Athletic playmaker. Low center of gravity, solidly built frame. Pure bred. Runs well between tackles. Impossible to tackle – (believe me, me and my bros have tried!) Seriously, though, I know I’m blazed like whoa right now, but Dutch’s jukes are so nasty it’s like his R2 and L2 triggers are stuck. Madden reference bro. Cons: lack of football knowledge, tendency to run offsides, afraid of vaccums, will not exert maximum effort unless he has the football in his mouth every play. Bottom line – the more Cleveland can get this dog on the field - Wildcat formation, out of the backfield, returning kicks – the better.
6. Buffalo Bills (via trade with Cincinnati) – Greg Paulus, QB, Duke
With today’s breaking news of Paulus working out for the Packers, I see the Bills making a move to get to Paulus before he slips to Green Bay at the 9th pick. A hometown product, Paulus put up huuuuge numbers at Christian Brothers Academy in Syracuse, NY. Although lacking the ideal NFL build at 6'1", 180 lbs, he was a four-time all-state football player, a starter in the U.S. Army All-American game, and set six state passing records. 42-3 as a starter, and made it rain with 11,763 career passing yards and 152 touchdown passes in 45 games.
Whatever, he hasn’t thrown a football in four years and the toughest defense he has faced is Rochester Prep, or maybe East Buffalo High, but he is worth the risk. Truuuuust me. Combine that with the fact that he is an Athletic playmaker, rocks the same sweet, pussy-moistening wristband that I wear when I lift, and his team-first attitude, Paulus is definitely the guy Dick(lol) Jauron wants throwing the ball to T.O. Hell, G-Reg loves his team so much, he would probably suck T.O. off if it kept him happy and in the end zone. He'd probably slap the floor after he's done too. Oh and Woody Paige compared him to Antonio Gates. Siiiick.
7. Oakland Raiders – B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College
Although many think Michael Crabtree, sick-nasty WR from Texas Tech, wouldn’t fall this far, Al Davis loves freak athlete playmakers with histories of lingering off-field problems. Plus, I used to torch the righteous nug with B.J. outside of our room in Walsh dorms all the time, and the dude is fuckin sweet. He could probably end my life in two seconds – which is saying a lot, because I am pretty jacked. BJ is a bulldozing DT and an Athletic playmaker who can shut down a running game and will likely demand double-coverage on the line. Plus, he drinks his vodka with blue powerade, so even when he is getting cRuNk, he’s pounding his body with electrolytes.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
Big, Athletic playmaker. Dynamic route-runner. Has a nose for the end-zone. Fucks bitches up. If you combine Larry Fitzgerald’s hands, with Randy Moss’s speed, Marvin Harrison’s intellect and Jerry Rice’s semen – you have Michael Crabtree. While NFL scouts worry about the length of his index fingers, I think it’s nothing coaching and game experience can’t fix. Plus, he went to Dallas Carter, the badass, intimidating school that FUCKED BITCHES UP in the movie, Friday Night Lights. This dude is the tits. Actually, more like these. Except black.
9. Green Bay Packers – Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
On a bro scale of 1 to Fucking Sick, Sanchez is hovering around 9.3. In a recent ESPN interview, Sanchez reflected on his recent pro-day workout at USC. It went something like: “Well the teams asked me to make some throws. I nailed them. I felt really good.” Duuuuude, I bet he nailed those throws like he nailed every hot Mexican chick at USC. Sanchez is tan, muscular and awesome at being the man. Green Bay can’t pass up this kind of babe-slaying, cannon-armed bro. Fuck Aaron Rodgers. The Dirty Sanchez is gonna take the Cheeseheads by storm. And the only thing Sanchez shits on is haterzz.
10. San Francisco 49ers – Seth Rogen, ?, Vancouver Talmud Torah Elementary School
So Brody and I just went to hit up Mr. Giggles again (our bong) to wrap this thing up. I know Seth Rogen isn’t a football player, but he is hilarrrrrious, and he seems cool-as-shit. Not really sure what the Niners could do with him on the field, but he is too much of all-around talent to pass up. He is like the sweetest dude ever. Haha..jk (NOT!) Seth Rogen playing football is funny. With that silly helmet. Wow I’m stoned. Brody, let’s go watch Pineapple Express. And heat up some pizza bagels. Yeahhhhhh.
Okkkkk wayyyyy too high to keep going. Picks 11-32 are gay and boring anyway. Hope my knowledge hit you as hard as this Cali green hit my face. I’m gonna go chill out, deepen my lax stick pocket, and text some biddies to see if they want some of the LandMan (my nickname lol) later 2nite.
Peace out homos. LoL.
What’s up faggots!? (lol jk) It’s your boy Landon coming to you live from my dorm room. So I’ve been skipping class a lot so I can get to the gym when it’s not crowded, allowing for maximum workout potential. Dude, nothing pumps me up more than a couple of hunnies getting their sweat on with the ellipticals and an empty row of benches. Gets me fucking PUMPED.
After I lift, I usually turn on ESPN and check out the most recent NFL Draft coverage. I have to say, with the draft only twelve days away, I am getting fed up with the ‘experts’ at ESPN. Hey Mel Kiper, why don’t you stick to being a chocolate cereal eating Vampire, Count Chocula? Hahahaha lol. And Todd McShay…bro, you’re my boy and all, but you hit up the tanning salon more than the chick Chrissy I banged last night - in Tiffany’s room. SWEET!!!
I figured I would give my landon’s gay haha my bad bros, that was my boy Brody. He went onto my computer when I went to grab another brewski. He’s my boy from high school, kinda gay, but totally ‘the man.’ Brody and I just blazed, so this isn’t intended to be a prediction of how the Draft is actually gonna play out, but more so how it would go if fuckin cool-ass-shit dudes like us ran the NFL. Here we go…
1. Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia
Though not a sure-fire, can’t-miss, franchise QB, it seems like this is Stafford’s job to lose. He’s got a huge arm, makes throws other QB’s can’t make, and can really stretch the field vertically. Plus his arms are actually huge, like I need to see what kind of biceps/triceps regimen he is on. Decent NFL QB build (6’2”, 228 lbs.) Athletic playmaker. Cherry on top, he’s got the brotality (Bro mentality) needed from the #1 overall pick. This dude is gonna throw some bombs, slay some chicks, kick ass and take names.
2. St. Louis Rams – Aaron Curry, OLB, Wake Forest
Let’s face it, the Rams need help everywhere – so they are best off taking the most athletic, dynamic athlete available. Great combine. Solid work ethic. Versatile. Roams the field well. Dynamic tackler. Athletic playmaker. Blah blah blah.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Jason Smith, OT, Baylor
Athletic tackle who possesses excellent quickness. He has a great frame and still has room to grow physically and technically, but has the potential to be dominant. He moves well laterally and gets to the second level with ease. He’s aware of his surroundings, works well with others and is quick picking up blitzes. He plays with a high motor and a great passion for the game. Athletic playmaker.
Ok, so I kinda just copied and pasted that from some scouting site. Who gives a fuck about OT’s. All I know is this dude is FAT and FAST – and that’s fuckin sick.
4. Seattle Seahawks – Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas
Four words. “This dude is BADASS.” No for real though, Orakpo is an Athletic playmaker who can make an impact in the NFL right away. Explosive first step, Great attacking instincts. Skilled deer hunter. Hahaha just playin – but his last name does make it sound like he is an Indian Chief or something. Chief Orakpo! But instead of a traditional headdress, he wears a football helmet. And instead of deer, he hunts drunk UT chicks and slow, white quarterbacks. Athleticism off the charts.
5. Cleveland Browns – Dutch the German Shepherd, ATH, Jardo Kennels
Arguably the best athlete in the draft. Elite speed. Athletic playmaker. Low center of gravity, solidly built frame. Pure bred. Runs well between tackles. Impossible to tackle – (believe me, me and my bros have tried!) Seriously, though, I know I’m blazed like whoa right now, but Dutch’s jukes are so nasty it’s like his R2 and L2 triggers are stuck. Madden reference bro. Cons: lack of football knowledge, tendency to run offsides, afraid of vaccums, will not exert maximum effort unless he has the football in his mouth every play. Bottom line – the more Cleveland can get this dog on the field - Wildcat formation, out of the backfield, returning kicks – the better.
6. Buffalo Bills (via trade with Cincinnati) – Greg Paulus, QB, Duke
With today’s breaking news of Paulus working out for the Packers, I see the Bills making a move to get to Paulus before he slips to Green Bay at the 9th pick. A hometown product, Paulus put up huuuuge numbers at Christian Brothers Academy in Syracuse, NY. Although lacking the ideal NFL build at 6'1", 180 lbs, he was a four-time all-state football player, a starter in the U.S. Army All-American game, and set six state passing records. 42-3 as a starter, and made it rain with 11,763 career passing yards and 152 touchdown passes in 45 games.
Whatever, he hasn’t thrown a football in four years and the toughest defense he has faced is Rochester Prep, or maybe East Buffalo High, but he is worth the risk. Truuuuust me. Combine that with the fact that he is an Athletic playmaker, rocks the same sweet, pussy-moistening wristband that I wear when I lift, and his team-first attitude, Paulus is definitely the guy Dick(lol) Jauron wants throwing the ball to T.O. Hell, G-Reg loves his team so much, he would probably suck T.O. off if it kept him happy and in the end zone. He'd probably slap the floor after he's done too. Oh and Woody Paige compared him to Antonio Gates. Siiiick.
7. Oakland Raiders – B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College
Although many think Michael Crabtree, sick-nasty WR from Texas Tech, wouldn’t fall this far, Al Davis loves freak athlete playmakers with histories of lingering off-field problems. Plus, I used to torch the righteous nug with B.J. outside of our room in Walsh dorms all the time, and the dude is fuckin sweet. He could probably end my life in two seconds – which is saying a lot, because I am pretty jacked. BJ is a bulldozing DT and an Athletic playmaker who can shut down a running game and will likely demand double-coverage on the line. Plus, he drinks his vodka with blue powerade, so even when he is getting cRuNk, he’s pounding his body with electrolytes.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech
Big, Athletic playmaker. Dynamic route-runner. Has a nose for the end-zone. Fucks bitches up. If you combine Larry Fitzgerald’s hands, with Randy Moss’s speed, Marvin Harrison’s intellect and Jerry Rice’s semen – you have Michael Crabtree. While NFL scouts worry about the length of his index fingers, I think it’s nothing coaching and game experience can’t fix. Plus, he went to Dallas Carter, the badass, intimidating school that FUCKED BITCHES UP in the movie, Friday Night Lights. This dude is the tits. Actually, more like these. Except black.
9. Green Bay Packers – Mark Sanchez, QB, USC
On a bro scale of 1 to Fucking Sick, Sanchez is hovering around 9.3. In a recent ESPN interview, Sanchez reflected on his recent pro-day workout at USC. It went something like: “Well the teams asked me to make some throws. I nailed them. I felt really good.” Duuuuude, I bet he nailed those throws like he nailed every hot Mexican chick at USC. Sanchez is tan, muscular and awesome at being the man. Green Bay can’t pass up this kind of babe-slaying, cannon-armed bro. Fuck Aaron Rodgers. The Dirty Sanchez is gonna take the Cheeseheads by storm. And the only thing Sanchez shits on is haterzz.
10. San Francisco 49ers – Seth Rogen, ?, Vancouver Talmud Torah Elementary School
So Brody and I just went to hit up Mr. Giggles again (our bong) to wrap this thing up. I know Seth Rogen isn’t a football player, but he is hilarrrrrious, and he seems cool-as-shit. Not really sure what the Niners could do with him on the field, but he is too much of all-around talent to pass up. He is like the sweetest dude ever. Haha..jk (NOT!) Seth Rogen playing football is funny. With that silly helmet. Wow I’m stoned. Brody, let’s go watch Pineapple Express. And heat up some pizza bagels. Yeahhhhhh.
Okkkkk wayyyyy too high to keep going. Picks 11-32 are gay and boring anyway. Hope my knowledge hit you as hard as this Cali green hit my face. I’m gonna go chill out, deepen my lax stick pocket, and text some biddies to see if they want some of the LandMan (my nickname lol) later 2nite.
Peace out homos. LoL.
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