Dear Alan,

            As I sat down to write this letter, and thought back on all the years I’ve known you, I came to an important realization: the letters of your first name can be re-arranged to spell the word “anal.” I find this to be very troubling, as anal is something homos do, and being a homo is almost as bad as being black. Now that I think of it, the black man’s obsession with, in what I think is today’s terminology, “rump-shaka’s,” probably indicates that  they enjoy transferring their ethnographically-exclusive STD’s via the colon as well. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as synthesizing three assumptions into a coherent hypothesis may have been one of those skills I would have developed had I ever actually gotten an undergraduate degree. But I think what I’m trying to say is that I hate you, blacks, and homos, all about equally. Also, now that I’ve come to this shocking conclusion about the clandestine pro-gay propaganda hidden in your first name, I believe it is my responsibility to expose your liberal trickery by hereafter referring to you only as “Buttsex.”

            Buttsex, I'm not sure when it happened--it may have been when my middle-class Irish family saw our once-beloved Long-Island town of Hempstead encroached on and morally corrupted by the darkies in the late 1970’s, or when I was unable to finish college while the uppity “Barack’s” of the world benefited from affirmative action, or maybe it was when I was forced to move to southern California and work construction like a dirty little taco-eater--but at some point, I realized that my calling in life was to spew hateful and myopic right-wing views on national television and radio. Unfortunately, despite a career of inspired and insightful political and social commentary, my penis has not gotten any larger. I don’t understand how this is possible, but if your future career aspirations include working with President-Elect Obama, Senator Bill Richardson, or Strap-It-On Hillary R. Clinton, can you let me in on their secret?

Burn in Hell,

-Sean Hannity