EDITOR'S NOTE: Col. Plug making Tolstoy feel insecure.

In the weeks since the election, Barack Obama has emphasized the need, upon taking the oath of office, to get right to work. This monumental transition of power represents the most potentially transformative moment in American politics since the 1960’s, save for maybe that time that Satan took the shape of Ronald Reagan and introduced trickle-down (from the CIA to the projects) crackonomics[1]. The peaceful transition of power between presidential administrations is highly anticipated by the (68% of) Americans that feel George W. Bush has done less than a stellar job. And while the current president has his detractors—those who say, for instance, that he has the blood of thousands of innocent American and Iraqi men, women, children, teenagers, puppies, kittens, and rhinestone-bellied Troll dolls on his hands—one fact remains: there has not been another major domestic terrorist attack in the United States since September 11th[2].

I believe this to be a generally good thing, as the terrorists only seem to want to blow up my neighborhood. However, it’s going to be tough for Obama to roll up his sleeves and dig America out of the current economic crisis without the general feeling of patriotism among the American public which accompanies dark-skinned, hairy people flying symbols of Westernization into large vertical structures.

So, my fellow Americans, it’s time to get real patriotic. For the sake of our future, please just imagine your e-mail is being flooded by various photoshopped images of bearded men being sodomized by eagles while forcefully fellating the Founding Fathers[3], and follow these 6 easy steps to become more patriotic (read: xenophobic). These are the ONLY methods by which you can help Barack Obama dig us out of this financial quagmire[4], and any deviation is punishable by hanging, lethal injection, or a 15-minute conversation with someone who watches Heroes[5].

6. Eat Large Meals in Front of Migrant Workers.

            If you’ve ever worked in the landscaping industry, you know that the Mexicans available for purchase at your neighborhood Home Depot parking lot are capable of doing the work of three men, a Bobcat, a forklift, a small ox, and a thrift-store mannequin all at once (but not a Spanish to English dictionary!)[6]. The trick to unlocking their potential, however, is catching them at the right point in their pursuit of the American Dream; specifically, within the first two weeks of their arrival. After this time, the bright-eyed enthusiasm (and accompanying superhuman strength) begins to fade, as they discover that leaving their wife or girlfriend and children to come to America, displace grass 12 hours a day, and live in a 10 X 10 room with 13 other 3 X 5’7” Mexican immigrants may not have been the savviest of career choices. They continue to work, just at a slower pace, and continue to send 85% of their paycheck back to their family. Their work ethic all but ceases upon realizing that the “family” which their hard-earned money is going to would be more accurately described as “that guy who’s living in their house, fucking their wife or girlfriend, and teaching their kids to call him dad.” This is when you strike.

Since rent accounts for 14% of their paycheck, and 85% is going to the dude who I assume they believe is actually Ricky Martin, only 1%  of gross income is disposable. Deep depression dictates that this go to grain alcohol, and they are forced to become nutritional scavengers, watching you eat and waiting for scraps. Hard work and morbid obesity, pillars on which this country is built, will be hugely important as you annihilate two Taco Bell Grande meals[7], mixing left over condiments into your large Wild Cherry Pepsi, as your Mexican-for-hire looks on longingly. The hunger in his stomach combined with a feeling of nostalgia for meals they don’t actually eat in his homeland will be the nail in the coffin for Chico’s American Tale, and he will journey south of the border, vowing revenge on Ricky Martin by sword or antiquated pistol. Now with all that excess energy it is time for you to step up, reclaim American low-skill, low-wage jobs, and likely end up in the same situation with your wife or girlfriend.

[6] Chicano readership remains unchanged.

5. Use Steroids.

            In the summer of 1998, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, both of whom injected large amounts of steroids into their ass in the presence of Jose Canseco, Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA), Jesus Of Nazareth, and the upper left portion of (Barry Bonds’ trainer) Greg Anderson’s trapezius muscle, captivated the imagination of America by hitting white things over fences and jogging slowly to raucous applause and innumerable flashbulbs—more times than anyone had hit white things over fences, jogged slowly, was applauded and had their picture taken before[8]. Through these monumental and selfless acts, McGwire and Sosa saved baseball, and by proxy, America, while ensuring their financial security, increasing their penis size, and becoming generally more physically attractive[9]. True American heroes.

            But there was a big difference between McGwire and Sosa; McGwire (the one you were hoping broke the record) was white and American, and Sosa (the one you were happy to see included, come out and give his all, but be ultimately unable to usurp the white guy’s dominance) was dark-skinned and Dominican. By the way, pat yourself on the back for being so progressive as to support the inclusion of these lesser peoples in America’s number one pastime. The fact that they can be second-best in 1998, and president in 2008, barring any trademark “ethnic” mannerisms (such as frenetically kissing a two-fingered peace sign to his lips), well, that just proves how far this country has come.

            So now it is on you, especially if you are in the athletic prime of your life and lack a fully-developed endocrine system, to start pumping synthetic hormones into your muscle tissue. Not only will your 6,000+ daily caloric intake re-invigorate the restaurant industry, your eventual ascendancy to the professional sport of your choosing will displace the economy-draining immigrants who we now know, after taking a closer look at the McGwire-Sosa race, will always get second billing. And even if you only get to the semi-professional level, you can go to Europe, play basketball, football, or one of their gay sports, and send all those condescendingly high-trading Euro dollars back to THIS COUNTRY.   

[8] Reductio ad absurdum readership up a statistical proportion which may or may not be representative of an overall population which doesn’t actually exist anyway.

4. Litter.

            I have to credit my good friend J.P.F. for this one, as my fascination with littering really came from him. Growing up, it seemed like everyone would indiscriminately throw trash on the ground, and yet today, it seems like no one does (despite the fact that a card-counting Kate Bosworth is the only thing that can make Geronimo cry anymore). I assume this is due to America’s new-found interest in “going green,” a shift in societal values and norms that I would not dare impugn. However, I do feel as though people make extremely insignificant decisions about the disposal of everyday products in order to make themselves feel like they are helping the environment when in fact they’re not.

            Take plastic bags for example. Leaving the grocery store with 19 plastics sacks of food, many of them double-bagged, is detrimental to the environment, regardless of whether you’re so consci-fucking-entious as to recycle them. Plastic is made to last FOREVER, and even if you recycle your shopping bags, there is still more plastic in the world as a result of your decision. If everyone were to use canvas bags[10], not that I’m a hippie, more of an interested economist[11], demand for plastic would decrease, and overall production of plastic bags would decrease. (I’m done with my liberal tirade, back to litter.)    

            People who put their litter into trash cans as opposed to throwing it on the street are equally daft. For instance, I live in New York City, and pay more taxes a year than most people in the world live on. Those taxes fund things like city parks, schools, and the homeless shelter on my block, that is for some reason full of women accusing me of sexual assault. My taxes also fund the “Ready, Willing, and Able” workers who empty trash cans and PICK UP LITTER ON THE STREETS.

            So here’s how it would work: we all start to litter more, and the city is forced to hire more people to pick up the trash. The explosion of new trash-picking jobs provides the homeless with opportunities to make money (as they would be immediately the most qualified applicants for the job), getting them off the streets and, specifically, off my block, where they insist on displaying their dirty, homeless wares, begging me to take them up to my apartment for a drink. The city can close the homeless shelters, saving taxpayer money, the bums can become productive members of society, and I can stop having to deal with allegations of sexual misconduct and weekly AIDS tests. Everybody wins. AMERICA wins.

[10] Dirty hippie readership: up 103%, chances of me scoring LSD and getting a blowjob from an unshaven fan of The Lovin’ Spoonful: up 62% (only because LSD is so hard to come by this time of year).

3. Fly a fully-functional Replica of the Enola Gay into the completely dysfunctional city of Detroit.

            Yesterday’s New York Times published an editorial by former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, outlining why the once-presidential candidate believes we should let one or all of Detroit’s Big Three automakers go bankrupt.I generally agree with him, but I’m gonna take it one step further, especially if the first 8 months of Obama’s presidency don’t produce the sea change I think many are (unrealistically) expecting. I say we destroy the city of Detroit, and all its inhabitants, with a nuclear bomb.[12]

            This would kick-start the economy in many different ways, but to really understand its most meaningful impact, think about the Fed’s $700 billion bailout plan. When the bill was passed authorizing this bailout, one of the presumed intentions was to take bad assets off US banks’ books. Now, that hasn't happened, and probably won't - at least until the new administration takes over in January. If you think of America’s entire economy like a bank’s balance sheet, Chrysler, Ford, and GM are three seriously fucked-up subprime loans. If we could just take them off the books (by wiping the city of Detorit off the map) our economy could move on as though they never existed.

            It gets better. The instant incineration of innumerable low-skill workers, who, through Union contracts, get wages and benefits which completely contradict free-market principles, would facilitate the removal their idiot asses right off America’s collective “balance sheet” of intellectual capital[13]. And as long as all of their immediate family and other dependents lived within the blast zone, we could also take their high-risk life insurance policies right off of the insurance companies’ books (insurance companies which, jealous of AIG’s $40 billion bailout are asking for their own).

            NOT ONLY THAT, but, assuming he wasn’t there at the time, the complete destruction of his city would certainly prompt Eminem to make a new album, and his worldwide selling power would help to get cash flowing back into this country.

Think about it: Detroit just sucks. The Lions suck, the Tigers suck (despite being very talented- that’s Detroit for ya - fuckin black hole) and the Red Wings are helping support a professional league that probably shouldn’t even exist. Their one bright spot is the Pistons, but I’m sure Barack could be talked into taking Rasheed Wallace off the milano race’s books, especially if we could make it look like terrorists were responsible. No easier way to ensure high job satisfaction rating then to have shit blow up.   

2. Get Divorced.

            Because what’s more socialist than marriage? If you and your partner don’t make exactly the same amount of money, than you’re basically pledging your allegiance to Stalin[14]. Think about it, what is socialism but an agreement to share in other people’s economic triumphs or misfortunes as a means of potentially attaining greater emotional fulfillment? I vow to be faithful to you in sickness and in health? Sounds like a communist rationale for universal healthcare to me.

            As a capitalist country, America prides itself on competitive spirit. Nothing will make you more competitive than an innate need to demonstrate to your ex that you are emotionally and financially secure, and that you’re the kids’ favorite parent. Getting a divorce puts you on the fast track to advancing your career, dropping exorbitant amounts of money to entertain other singles at high-class bars and restaurants, and enjoying weekends of riding roller coasters and visiting the water parks at Six Flags with your kids, all the while hinting at how much of a cunt mommy really is. Economic stimulus package? The divorcee’s entire life is an economic stimulus package.

            By being divorced you also increase the overall educational level of America’s populace. With all these kids coming out of broken homes (having learned how to be a bitter, conspicuous consumer—CHA-CHING!) demand for psychiatrists will prompt many of our young students to go to medical school, and become wealthy, productive members of society themselves. So go cheat on your wife and melt down your wedding ring—increasing the supply of gold only strengthens the dollar.

[14] Readership among victims of Stalin’s genocide: tough to say, but many historians believe more victims of Stalin are reading shatterfaced.com than victims of the Holocaust.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!!!!

THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU CAN HELP SAVE YOUR COUNTRY’S ECONOMY SOLIDIFYING YOUR STATUS AS A TRUE PATRIOT AND AMERICAN HERO[1]:  

1. READ SHATTERFACED.COM ON A REGULAR BASIS AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!

            Such a fucking cop-out. But seriously, if a lot of people start visiting we can make some money off this site, which does technically help the economy. Thanks for wasting your time with me and all my bullshit[2].