With the possible exception of the Beverly Hills, 90210 intro (and accompanying theme music), there isn’t a more pleasurable random viewing experience than the three-hour saga that is Independence Day, a film that wins the “most caricatures/stereotypes crammed into one movie” award in a relative landside (with sincere apologies to Paul Haggis’s Crash).  For me, there’s happiness, there’s pure bliss, and then there’s the final 30 minutes of this epic from Roland Emmerich, the director who has brought you such Academy Award-sweeping gems as The Patriot (you remember - the film in which Mel Gibson brings down General Cornwallis, wins the American Revolution, cures AIDS and benevolently hangs out with cancer patients) and The Day After Tomorrow (the film in which Dennis Quaid walks in a world-ending blizzard from Washington to New York. What? What's the problem?). Wouldn’t you know it – tuned into FX at 8:07 last eve – nice 53 minute stretch waiting for this guy. Sometimes, Tuesdays are wonderful. Here’s what transpired:

8:07pm: Wait a minute…Jeff Goldblum is stumbling around a warehouse, trying to act drunk but really just looking like a dude with Parkinson’s impersonating Jeff Goldblum…it’s Independence Day! Alright! Judd Hirsch and everything!

8:08: Goldblum calls daddy Hirsch (who is – and you won’t believe this – massively Jewish) a “genius” for suggesting that Jeff gets up off of the ground “before he catches a cold.” It appears that Mr. Goldblum has concluded that they can implant a computer virus into their own satellites – a “cold” – and that will be enough to temporarily render the bluish vibrating protector shield-thingys on the alien spaceships useless. Evidently, nobody has thought of this. Let’s hope that the computer system the aliens use is Windows 95-compatible.

8:10: Now mysteriously sober, Goldblum shows the higher-ups his plan. When asked for an explanation for his madness, Goldblum responds, “I gave it a cold.” Nice, Jeff, because that’s what the President (Bill Pullman – score) wants: vague and obnoxious responses. Fifty more people were just mutilated by flesh-eating aliens in the time it took you to make your shitty joke to patronizingly compliment your father, who is Jewish. Equally mysteriously, nobody punches Goldblum in the face.

8:12: Jeff Goldblum: “You really think you can fly that thing (the spaceship)?
Will Smith: “You really think you can do all that bulllllllshit you just said?”

HA! He’s black!

8:13: The Americans use Morse code to communicate to other nations their intentions to thwart the alien invasion, kicking of the montage of stereotypes, Part I. Apparently, everyone else has been sitting there waiting for the world’s greatest country to contact them. Following the theme, Emmerich features different nationalities waiting for American responses, most notably the Russians, who look like they are communicating from a castle in Moscow in 1923. This is understandable, because the Russians are technology-refuting commies. One Brit angrily remarks, “Well it’s about bloody time!” Being born in Kentucky as opposed to Liverpool raises your IQ approximately 10 to 12 points. In addition, being born Jeff Goldblum raises your IQ 30-35 points. Look it up.

8:17: Pullman gives a stirring speech in which he evokes the fact that July 4^th will no longer be just an American holiday as motivation for the thousands of normal folk who have volunteered to fly for the mission, and will probably die by the fiery lasers of weird-looking, oozy creatures from outer-space. But hey, Slovenia will now celebrate July 4^th. I’m getting in that cockpit, nobody’s telling me no.

8:18: Pullman, now dressed in full air-combat gear, explains to Robert Loggia why he is leading the apparent suicide mission despite his status as the President of the United States: “I’m a combat pilot, Will (Robert)…I belong in the air.” Loggia smiles and looks on in admiration, and all is well. Nevertheless, I can’t shake the image of Loggia telling this story to his grandkids a couple of years after the humans…sorry, America has killed all of the aliens.

Loggia: “And then he just looked right at me, Joey, and said ‘I’m a combat pilot, I belong in the air.’ And I couldn’t dispute that.”

Joey (seven years old): “Wait a second…are you fucking kidding me? This is the leader of the free world, grandpa, and given the situation you were in, for all intents and purposes, the leader of the humans. But you were willing to let him burn at the hands of Star Wars-esque lasers because he dropped that line on you? Tell me you’re joking.”

Loggia: “Well…yeah, ok, but there was this symphony randomly playing in the background, too…”

8:24: After flying at a fast speed out of the air force base in the alien spaceship, Smith exclaims, “I have got to get me one of these!” He’s black, everybody. This isn’t how white people talk.

8:31: A Pullman missile fails to penetrate the bluish vibrating protector shield-thingys, and all show their frustration – most notably Loggia, who lets out a Robert Loggia groan. But wait a minute – Pullman insists on another shot! And the second one goes through! Phew. I certainly thought they were fucked. Don’t know about you.

8:35:  A random government employee reluctantly tells Loggia that “all missiles have been launched” and no major damage has been rendered to the ship. Loggia sarcastically remarks that it’s a good thing he told him this information now, and not two or three minutes ago (note: sorry, that was a deleted scene).

8:37: Hold on! Randy Quaid (Goldblum + Smith + Loggia + Hirsch + Pullman + Quaid = multiple head explosions) has one more missile! The wild and crazy dude who nobody believes in is going to save the day! Alright!

8:37: Nope, still sucks. His missile jams.

8:38: Quaid takes a page from his friend Kurt Cobain’s playbook and concludes that the only way to finally be revered in the eyes of others is to kill himself (OHHHHHH!!! Seriously, though). He chooses “Up yours!” as his final words, which will inevitably be amended to something like “America kicks major butt!” for future history textbooks.

8:40: Everybody survives. On par with Spacey walking normally out of Mantegna’s office for surprise endings. Loggia screams “All right!” because he does what he wants.