Welcome to Shatterfaced.com. Some things you might be wondering, provided you haven't already left:

Why did you start this website?
Three reasons:

1)      I wrote briefly for culturenow.com, a website run by someone named Geoffrey who doubled as its enigmatic editor. I submitted six pieces to the site, only one of which actually made the internet. I started to question Jee-off-ree’s decisions – not only because he wasn’t publishing my essays, but because he was publishing essays that seemed trite and unperceptive. I swear to God, he must owe Bryan Alaspa thousands of dollars. (Bryan, I'm kidding! Come on!)*

After that, it became a matter of not wanting all of the material I’ve written to waste away in my saved documents.  It was becoming awkward shoving my essays in people’s faces (read this! Aren’t I hysterical?) – now I can just shove it in people’s faces electronically.

2)      I didn’t want to start a blog. However minimal the differences between this site and some d-bag’s blog may prove to be, I can always say “Hey, at least it’s not a blog.” And you can’t buy that type of condescension.**

3)      I know way too many funny, intelligent people that would want to write for this. At least I really, really hope so.

I see. So it’s pretty much just going to be you and your friends writing about random shit with no central theme.
Presumably.

One person could write a “Where Are They Now?” piece about former Red Sox outfielder Phil Plantier, and another could write about John King and Anderson Cooper’s ambiguously gay relationship, and they could share the same space on this page.
A bit of a stretch, but sure, I suppose.

And how, exactly, is this not a blog?
Well, you see, I bought it through godaddy and not blogger or wordpress because now it doesn't end with ".blogspot" or something mildly obnoxious...

So it's a blog.
Pretty much, yeah.

And you can’t promise me that I’ll come away from this page a better, happier person – or at least a more lively conversationalist.

I can’t promise any of that, no.

So there’s really nothing stopping me from thinking that what I’m about to read is nothing more than self-indulgent, pseudo-intellectual crap from disillusioned kids in their 20s who hate their jobs and think they might be clever.
That’s right.

And me reading any of this could very well prove to be a total waste of my time.

Absolutely.

Are you taking the self-deprecating route to make yourself appear more charming - and in turn, more readable?

You bet.

Well, it’s working. I’m going to read your musings about Zac Efron and Sean Hannity now.

Pimp.

Before I go: How did you come up with the name for the site?
Completely sans irony. I thought of different ways that I call people drunk – schmammered and schmammerfaced were (believe it or not) already taken. Thankfully, shatterfaced wasn’t. A friend of mine commented that it “sounds like a Batman villain”, but I actually think it’s catchy and--

Ok, that’s enough.

Sorry.

*I'm not.

**Yes, you can - for ten dollars a year at godaddy.com